My Career As A Hermit
By David Leonhardt
"Work from home. Make big bucks in your pajamas." - typical
work-from-home ad.
Quick. What do writers, stay-at-home parents and online
marketing geeks have in common? I mean, besides insanity? They
are all hermits.
The typical writer locks himself up for years brooding in a dark
room, surfacing only long enough to find out who this year's
American Idol is. This solitary brooding is supposed to help him
develop a keen sense of the human condition.
Stay-at-home parents are prisoners in their own castles, as each
child has a different toilet schedule. And a different nap
schedule. And a different tantrum schedule. By the time they
are all buttoned up in their snowsuits and hopefully not needing
the bathroom in the next fifteen minutes, the stores are all
closed.
Online marketing geeks sit down to their computer screens in the
morning. When they look up, they wonder how it got so dark. The
next time they look up, they wonder how it got so light again.
What a sad bunch. What a sorry lot. Who would take on such
careers?
I would.
I'm a writer. I'm a Stay-at-home Dad. I'm an online marketing
geek. I'm ... Super Hermit!
"Get dressed."
"Why? Don't you like my pajamas anymore?"
"You have to go out."
"What?! Why would I do something so radical?"
"It's Tuesday. You have a big outing."
"Tuesday? Tuesday? What's Tuesday?"
"Garbage day."
In the country, three minutes to the road and back with the bags,
then again with the recycling, qualifies as a big outing for a
professional hermit. In fact, that's more time than most couples
spend each week being a couple.
If this sounds like just the kind of self-inflicted bliss you've
been itching for, there are a few things you should know before
making the big career switch.
A dedicated hermit often skips a shower. Sometimes, the hermit
gets away with it. To help the hermit remember when shower day
arrives, there is a simple four-part clinical procedure:
1. Lift arm.
2. Insert nose.
3. If you faint, it's time to shower (when you regain
consciousness).
4. If you don't faint, schedule a shower -- as early as next
week, if you have an opening.
Personally, I apply a simple rule of thumb. As long as I spend
more time showering each week than I spend taking out the
garbage, my wife probably won't divorce me. Unless I forget to
take out the garbage...again.
Here are a few more tips for shower-challenged hermits
everywhere:
-- Wear cologne. Lots of it. Your partner will think you did it
just for her. Or him. Or it. If you wear enough, the kids
might even let you out.
-- Wear many layers of thick clothes. Warning, if you live in
Edmonton or Moscow this might force you to open all the windows
to keep from smelling even worse. If you live in Dallas or
Delhi, it might force you to close all your windows to keep from
smelling even worse.
-- Eat garlic for breakfast. If that doesn't work, eat garlic
for lunch, too. And for dinner. And for dessert. Nobody will
notice your shower schedule, and the kids will definitely let you
out.
We professional hermits also lose touch with our friends.
"Hey David. How have you been? It's Al."
"Al? Al who?"
"It's Al. Your friend."
"I have a friend?"
If working in your pajamas appeals to you, perhaps to avoid being
the next victim of the "What Not to Wear at Work" TV crew, a
career as a professional hermit is your ideal gig. Pick up a pen
and paper, get yourself a second-hand computer, or borrow some
kids.
If you barricade yourself in your house long enough, you can
enjoy your very own life of abnormal isolation and solitude. And
everyone will know just what to buy you for Christmas - pajamas.
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David Leonhardt if a freelance writer. This article is from his
positive thinking humor column. He is also author
of Climb Your Stairway to Heaven: the 9 habits of maximum
happiness, Inspiration & Motivation To Go
and
The Get Happy Workbook.
David Leonhardt
The Happy Guy
Info@TheHappyGuy.com
http://www.thehappyguy.com/l/daily-motivation-inspiration.php
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